Intolerable

I have had this song called 'Crown of Creation' by Jefferson Airplane in my head for several weeks now. I remember the first time that I heard Jefferson Airplane I was about 11 or 12. It was the same summer between my sixth and seventh grade years, that was the same I started to discover that I may be just a little different from my peers, and it was the time that my peers noticed that I was a little bit different as well.

This differentness did not make my middle or high school years easy, it did not make the first few years on my own easy. It did not make the relationships with my childhood friends easy. It has been a point of contention with my family. It has made me want to crawl under my bed and never come out, it has made me contemplate running my car into traffic. It has made me run from God and, it has made me stop in my tracks.

I was a freshman in high school the year that Matthew Shepard was murdered. I remeber just how scared I was. From that point I learned to start living in half-truths, I never let myself be to avalible to people, I knew where my family stood and everytime I heard the word "Fag" my heart went into my skull. I hurt especially bad when one of my family members would say it even if was not directed at me. I learned to look over my shoulder, behind my back, but one thing that I never learned was to be simply tolerated.

Human beings are not things you tolerate. Bad basic cable reality shows, and wrong orders at the Starbucks are things you tolerate. Bikini waxings and cold pizza are things you tough out. People and the way that they are...are not things that you tough out. I am tired like many other people in this world, I am tired of not being able to go forward in the direction of my choosing because it is an election year, or because if I am a good girl then maybe just maybe I might be tolerated.

I wrote this tirade today because well it has been not just a rough few days but, I just realized that today it has been 10 years since the Shepard Murder. I still feel like I have to watch my back. I try to live my full-truth now but I know that someday I may have to pay for it just like some of my friends all ready have, but in that grim reality there is hope, love and family made of the warmth of common truth. This common love that has been cast out of fear is the crown of my creation.

You are the Crown of Creation

You are the Crown of Creation
and you've got no place to go.

Soon you'll attain the stability you strive for
in the only way that it's granted
in a place among the fossils of our time.

In loyalty to their kind
they cannot tolerate our minds.
In loyalty to our kind
we cannot tolerate their obstruction.

Life is Change
How it differs from the rocks
I've seen their ways too often for my liking
New worlds to gain
My life is to survive
and be alive
for you.